Frustrating

I am wondering when it is that I will feel normal (or semi-normal).  Today everything hurts, if it could be possible for my hair to hurt, then it does.  I get so frustrated easily, at least right after a relapse.  The reason is there is so much I want to do that I can't.  THen on top of that I have to start back at square one.  Walking is a challenge again, boy do I really want to walk.  I want to walk for miles.  I want to hike that mountain (more likely a mole hill).
I have a big fear on top of all this.  I think they are under-estimating how sick I am.  I am fearful that I may have a more progressive form of MS.  That scares me to death.  It would mean that these relapses (or whatever they are) are going to keep coming every few months and I will be more and more debilitated.  I hope that this is not the case and that I am just having a bad couple of years, but still there is this lingering feeling that I have.  
If I can't get better, what am I going to do?  It has been already heart wrenching that I can't help people through my nursing any more.  I LOVE being a nurse and I am good at it.  I struggle that I am not able to take care of people anymore.  I get to talk to them on the phone and offer suggestions and advice, but it's not the same.  The moment that you start taking care of someone, when they realize you genuinely care about how they are doing, it changes you for the better.  My heart belongs in this line of work, but now..............

Day After

Well it is the day after, and boy does it ever feel like the day after.  Who ever came up with the idea of giving so much steroids without even a taper after should have to experience it for themselves.  It feels awful.  My mood is swinging from one way to the other.  I feel like my heart is going to stop at any moment.  My body does not know whether it is hot or cold.  My face is as big as a puffer fish, not even as cute at this point.  I feel like I am going to pass out the minute I stand up.  I can't concentrate on any one thing for more than a moment at a time. My stomach feels like a hole has been burned through it. But other than that I feel just swell  <<>
What am I whining about...........it could always be worse.  It really could.  But I think I am just a little entitled to wallow in self pity for a moment or two.  This too shall pass, well get in the passing lane cause I don't want to be tailgated already.  I only wish it would pass quickly, but it will drag itself out for about 2-3 days and that sucks big time.
This song explains it all, well except for the whole thing about meeting the girl and stuff.  Actually just the refrain, but still its symbolic at this point.  And besides I already cut and pasted it and I am too worn out to take it off :0)
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vQAfkYJdbrM

home today, Hopefully

Hopefully I will get to go home today.  I just finished my last dose of steroids.  I guess my heart rate went pretty low last night, but the neurologist does not seem to concerned.  Just waiting for the final check in by the neurologist, then will be off to home.  
I have such a wonderful husband.  He makes sure that I am comfortable no matter where I am. The first night he brought my pillow and cozy blanket from home so I have a little bit of home with me.  He brings me fresh jammies, along with things to entertain myself, like this nifty little netbook. I am truly blessed that the Lord has brought him into my life.  I could not imagine my life without him, my kids, my parents, family, friends and first and foremost the good Lord.  I surely would have been lost.  
So even if I have to use the walker for a little while, Hate IT, but I know that it's just a short term thing.  Today I am walking better than yesterday, yesterday I was walking better than the day before.  It will come.  I have a feeling that this is my last worst day for a long time to come.  That would certainly be welcome.
I can hardly believe that this year is almost over.  It seems like time just flies by so fast.  One moment you are young with a life full of promise, then in the blink of an eye things have changed so fast that you don't know up from down.  I've decided to stop blinking as frequently :0)  


I liked this link, so I thought I would share it with you.


http://www.godvine.com/An-Unforgettable-Version-of-Amazing-Grace-Performed-by-Celtic-Woman-93.html

back in the hospital BOO!!!!

Well I am back in the hospital.  Today is day 2 of 3.  I am getting 1000mg of solumedrol (stereoid) a day for 3 days.  I have been having really bad bouts of vertigo, worsening each day to the point of feeling sick to my stomach.  Then Tuesday I got this headache on my right side that just was aching constantly accompanied by shooting pains.  Having some loss of vision in my right eye and my speech was slurred.  My walking has declined, now they gave me a walker to use.  All I have to say about that is BOO!!!!!
Hopefully I will recuperate fast, so I can go back to either the cane or nothing.  I am opting for nothing but at this point am unsure if that is an unrealistic goal or not.  But I will keep my faith, along with my hopes held high.  It is what it is, not much use dwelling on the unknown at this point in time.
The good news is I did finish my final paper for school ahead of schedule.  Not much to do sitting in a hospital bed, so I made the best of it.  I turned it in already, didn't really proof it to well, so hopefully it makes sense.  I am on a bit of medication so it may be comic relief for my instructor.  
I saw this video on www.Godvine.com that brought tears of joy to my eyes so I will post that link below.  Hope you enjoy it as much as I did.
http://www.godvine.com/Flash-Mob-Surprises-Everyone-by-Singing-Hallelujah-in-the-Food-Court-90.html