walking, running, jumping, skipping

Do you ever look at  something or someone and wish that you could do what they do or have what they have?  I think its called coveting.
Well sometimes I covet the walk of people.  I know that sounds strange but I was always a speed walker kind of girl, like I always had somewhere to be and I was always running late.  Now I walk, or mosey is more like it, and the little grey haired grannies are passing me by.  I am a people watcher and now I notice more how people walk.  I see the people with their harried walk.  The people with their just browsing walk.  The strollers.  The limpers.  The ones with the walkers and the canes.
 I notice this more now because I haven't had a normal pace walk since April of last year.  I have come close to achieving it on many occasions but just when I think my gait is going to return to normal, in slides the sneaky disease and steals me just moments from my glory.
The mystery of MS is that at the beginning of the day I can walk better than at the end of the day.  It goes down hill from hour to hour. I have a cane, I even spruced it up a little, but to be honest I don't use it like I should.  I can't really figure out why I don't use it other than I think it makes me more sensitive to the fact that people will know that I am not normal.  Never mind that it actually lets me walk balanced and maybe even a tad faster, but it just seems so not me..
 I keep hoping that I will stop having relapses and get to a near normal walking pattern again.  Maybe once I can come to terms with this disease, it will be easier. I am not willing to give up my hope though, but I feel like I still am going through some of the 5 stages of grief.  I am in a mix of different emotions at different times and today by the tone of this post you can probably gage where I am at. (it must be the steroids talking, can't wait to be done with the steroids)
The funny thing is I have this sudden urge to want to become a runner.  I have always hated running, but now that my body won't allow me to do it, I want to so bad!!!!  The other day I figured out that I could no longer skip either :0(  The coordination was no longer there for me to accomplish this task.  Seems silly because what is the purpose of skipping to an adult, just a childhood thing, but now I really want to skip too!!!

'Pick battles big enough to matter, small enough to win'.  ~Jonathan Kozel